Narcisism...Us and Them

In the 19^th century the word narcissism was used, especially in psychoanalysis, to describe someone who appears to have an unhealthy adoration of self.

The term narcissism is derived from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a handsome Greek youth who rejected the love of the nymph Echo. Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection as he looked into a pool of water. He felt such deep love for himself that he was unable to leave his reflection and finally he changed into a flower, which we now call narcissus.

To an extent, we all have narcissistic traits and it might make sense that it is currently popular to promote healthy love of self. 

There is so much written about narcissism that it is impossible to know all ideas on it or to discuss them on a blog such as this. But, if one has ideas for a character in a story who is any or all of the following then it may help to do a small research of the term narcissism:

Has a sense of self importance

Self righteous

Is always right

Always knows best

Brags

Conceited

Has many acquaintances but very few, if any close friends

Their way is the only way

Is an expert or oracle

Lacks true empathy

Critical of others

Controlling

Dogmatic

Creates fear in others

Creates shame in others
Has no insight into self
Ego driven (status, wealth, popularity)

It has to be said that the above type of narcissistic personality could have been developed from early narcissistic wounds. If you are developing a character like this one in a story, it might be well to note that this type of person will also have some vulnerability too. In fact one of the hardest things to capture I feel, is a a character that is both obnoxious and unlikable, as well as sad and pathetic. Can we evoke both irritation and dislike as well as empathy and sadness?

It might also be true to say that we can study our own narcissistic traits as well as our reactions to those people. Remember narcissistic people work not only with words but with body language, including eye language. Dipped eyes while you speak, for example, can be saying so much, perhaps leaving you feeling ashamed or feeble - and yet the narcissistic person has not uttered a word. Sighs, coughs and even silences in the correct places are powerful tools for them. They are ambiguous with their words so that if accused of lets say, criticism, they can not only deny it, but will accuse you of being the one with the problem. 

Facets of Self (ideas born from a character in a story I am writing)

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It’s strange how we generally define ourselves by other people’s attitudes toward us. It’s always hard to know for sure if what we portray to others is the reality of who we are. What I mean by that is this: it seems to me we have many facets to our personalities and all of them appear to be feeding off of a central, more dominant character. When placed in certain social or professional situations, we draw on parts of us to fit the occasion.

For example: A man – I’ll call him Mark, works as a news reader for a TV company. He arrives at work today feeling sad and worried. This morning his wife of 10 years told him she no longer loves him and that she is leaving him this very day. He had asked her if there was anyone else involved which she denied.

His mind is all over the place but he has a job to do and one that requires him to talk in a certain fashion and look a certain way. So he (his central self) says to himself (his other facets): “Come on Mark, pull yourself together.

Just a small note here: Most parts of this man have the name Mark; apart from Markey – this name belongs to the part he dislikes-the part  that feels a bit childish and not able to manage life. Interestingly, his overbearing, possessive father was the only person to have ever called him Markey. There is also Marko. He feels warm and snugly when called this by people close to him. Not surprisingly  his kind, supportive mother and his brother with whom he has a good and close relationship have always referred to him as Marko.

I wonder if the term “pull yourself together” said to self from self, or from someone else could mean that all people are fragmented into these many facets. Possibly, during times of stress, danger or threat, imagined or real, it seems vital we bring all parts together with a ‘united we stand – divided we fall’ type of requirement.

This would enable Mark to deliver the news, accessing his news reader facet, while uniting other parts like a strong support system so that for a short period, all parts (bar Markey) become news reader Mark. 

When Mark finishes work, he decides to go for a drink with some of his colleagues. He is still in his suit, but he has removed his TV make up, loosened his tie and scraped his hair back. He has allowed the sad and worried parts to regain their position and so as much as he tries, the social Mark is too weak to function. Calling on his central self again, he thinks: I’ll be better off at home so I can be myself.

He won’t wonder what he means by ‘myself’ – it does not occur to him that many facets of self are working all at once. Or, that sometimes one part needs more support, causing the others to imitate the needed facet (not clone or mutate).

When Mark arrives home, the house is dark and empty. When he turns on the hall light he spots an envelope with his name on it. It’s a note from his wife which confirms she has left him.

That evening, due to fatigue and upset the Markey facet breaks through. Markey feels bereft, lonely and useless and even thinks about ending it all. But then Marko (who may even be his central self) argues with those thoughts (yes the parents can still argue inside of you, even if they are no longer around) and eventually, overwhelmed, he drinks himself into a stupor, falling asleep on the sofa until morning.

When he awakes – all parts are fuzzy and hung over. He makes it to the bathroom where he vomits. He inspects his face and sunken black eyes and then has to dash to the toilet. Afterward, he showers and while in the shower, he draws up a hand mirror and checks his piles (you may laugh – but you know where I am coming from don't you?). This part is what I am going to call the concealed facet. That is, self is aware of it, but will deny this part when in the company others(apart from the doctor or nurse perhaps). Its the part only Mark is aware of.

There are so many facets to all of us, and people have differing amounts of them. It will depend on background, current status and let us remember that we invent new facets for new situations all of the time.

Its Marks day off and so he dresses in jeans and a t-shirt and arranges to go and see his supportive brother. His brother nurtures the Marko aspect of him and from this Mark feels more positive and able to cope. He realises from his conversation with his brother that he had known things were going badly but had refused to acknowledge it. He was in fact unhappy himself and it was only now that his wife had brought things to a head that he was able to think about it. 

The part of Mark that was in denial is similar to the concealed part, however it was not only concealed from others, but from Mark too. This is what we call, the unconscious – some refer to it as the sub-conscious (down under).

In psychology there is an interesting theory called the Johari Window and it is well worth a read if you are interested in how self (in this particular theory) is split into 4 windows of of consciousness with each window encompassing many aspects of self.

I wonder if you have been left wondering what happened to Mark. Perhaps I will continue this at some other point.

A July Thought about Choice

I was in the bathroom and about to wash my hands, when I spotted a cute little stripy spider.


(I can hear some people exclaiming 'CUTE' ...you have to be joking!)


...anyway - I always try to save the little creatures and not wanting to wash it down the plug hole,  I got it to walk on a piece of tissue and then put it down onto the floor. I placed it near a cabinet with quite a nice dark gap beneath it. But then it ran in the opposite direction toward the middle of the floor. Not wanting my cat to get it, or for me to tread on it by accident, I gently placed my finger as a barrier so as to get it to turn around. I thought how crazy I looked as I told this eight legged creature to "run that way and you'll be safe."


I know I do sound rather eccentric, maybe because I am a bit, or at the very least I am slightly off beat.


...so - I thought to myself, I am a kind of god to this little creature. I choose if it lives or dies. I can guide it to safety, or leave it to fend for its self on the open and dangerous terrain of my bathroom floor. But then if I were it's God - I might only be able only show it the way; one that would be the most positive path to take. The rest would be up to the spider - which means there is choice and not everything is ordained. I'd hate to think I am just a pawn in a huge game that can only be played out in a certain way.


I'm not sure I believe in a God, especially one that sits up in a heaven making decisions. I do think there is something bigger; something I can feel inside and is part of me. The questions about this might be:


Does it guide me as an individual? I don't think so. 
Are there signs? Yes I think there are. 
Where do those signs come from? A pattern from a collective source, of which we are all a part of.
What are signs? They are all round us, we just have to see.
Do we have choice to follow signs? Yes I think we do.
Do we get second chances? I think we get chances every moment, for in any moment we can choose to change course.

Summer

SUMMER

Anyone from the UK will, I think, agree with me that summer so far, has been a complete wash out. On the other hand, I have enjoyed not suffering those hot, airless days we had last year. Warm and balmy will do...and a chance to wear some loose, flimsy clothes.

Life and Moments

I've made some magnificent discoveries of late. For example, I have noticed that my stresses seem to use my body as a playground and I can tell you, its having a ball right now.

I have also noticed that what we believe about ourselves, seems to become the truth for us. So if we feel old, we are old. 

It may be that our earlier life had some measure of influence on where we are now, but, is it where we are now and the relationships and scenarios we choose to place ourselves in that effect most, if not all of our current moments?

John Simpson (67 and my hero) as most people know, spends his life flying around the globe, reporting from the most difficult war zones. He is on the move, he says, about 5 times or so a week and he still appears to be brimming with energy and enthusiasm for life. 

Anyone who watched BBC's "When I get Older" will have seen John sharing the home of a rather eccentric, older lady for a few days. The lady spent every evening watching TV and John was televised sitting with her. We saw shots of him dozing and looking as though his usual zest had been squeezed out of him. If this happened to him in just a few days and nights, imagine him living like that permanently. Could this be a form of projective identification? 

Imagining myself living with John Simpson has me wondering if I would start to feel more energized and alive? 

Unable to learn

I get great ideas which I forget to write down. Trouble is I think they are so profound that I'll be unlikely to forget what they are and that i'll be able to hold the thoughts until  I have a chance to write them somewhere - of course I do forget. I never learn though - I never think: okay, I'll forget this so I'll not kid myself that this time I wont. I could carry some paper and a pen, or a recorder...and sometimes I remember to - but I need batteries for the recorder and I carry far too much in my bag to find my note pad and pen, especially in the middle of Sainsburys . So far this week, two good ideas have vaporised and become nothing more than mind steam.

Talking about about ideas...have you ever found that if people have an idea of you, it will stick no matter what you do? Worse, what if your idea of yourself is one big illusion and the reality is, you fit more into those people's idea of you, than you do your own?

Self work is not easy and although I have done plenty of it, for over 20 years - its only after reading Guy Finley's book "The Secret of Letting Go" that I am truly beginning to see the reality of myself and of other's too. Just by reading Guy's books, I can feel something changing inside of me...as though a seed is beginning to grow and the weeds are starting to wilt. Its a bit of a journey and not always pleasant...but I would urge anyone who wants to feel at peace with life, to read his books.

You may want to begin with Eckhart Tolle's book "The Power of Now" and perhaps watch a few of his you tube recordings. I continue to learn and hope I can change some things I now know about myself...things that are not bad, but perhaps do not serve me well.

Remember - things are not always what they seem. For example I woke up one day, late into summer to see the below on my heather - it seemed like mist. Later I went out to take a closer look and found no mist - what I saw was a series of intricate webs spun by a small brown spider. Here is a picture showing my first impression and below this picture is a close up of the webs:

Close up of the webs:

NOW

With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future.  I live now.  

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Be positive

Think about the sunshine, through the rain. 

If that doesn't work, 

then learn to love the rain.

JAS

I've been looking for a place to think and write. I've had a few blogs and start out really well, but then become distracted as I try to keep up with other bloggers. This time, I hope I can use this space to put words to thoughts. To create and to express.

I enjoy writing and although I have had a few short stories published, I have never written that Novel I have inside my heart. I wonder if I am too old now...but then, the fire is still burning, so until it is gone out, I should try hard to make a dream come true. I hope I may if I lend my thoughts to a blog and hope not to be plagerized when I do. I would be over the moon however, if someone, somewhere, wanted to quote anything I write...perhaps though, that has to remain a fantasy.

Welcome to my Place With a Heart.

Snippits 

Transfered from another older blog:

Brave to be Brave

When life seems frightening … when just being you seems fearsome, how do you manage?

I know people who wake up in the morning and see the rest of the day as something to battle their way through: Panic attacks, anxiety, depression, OCD, fear, health anxiety, phobias and the possible accompanying physical symptoms. And…these people can wrestle with the day and very often the night over and over again.

It’s not uncommon for some non sufferers to criticise the mental and even physical difficulties of others, perhaps labelling them weak. But they are not weak; they are heroes. Despite the amount of mental anguish and pain they live with every waking moment – they fight on bravely. They tolerate the misery like valiant soldiers.

It’s often hard to face another day of dreadfulness and it takes energy to find that braveness inside and draw on it – but draw on it they do.

So, if you know someone who is struggling – recharge them with your kindness and patience and tell them how brave to be brave they are. X

-------------------------------------------------------

Jen

Yesterday is but today's memory,
and tomorrow is today's dream


Khalil Gibran