Narcisism...Us and Them

In the 19^th century the word narcissism was used, especially in psychoanalysis, to describe someone who appears to have an unhealthy adoration of self.

The term narcissism is derived from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a handsome Greek youth who rejected the love of the nymph Echo. Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection as he looked into a pool of water. He felt such deep love for himself that he was unable to leave his reflection and finally he changed into a flower, which we now call narcissus.

To an extent, we all have narcissistic traits and it might make sense that it is currently popular to promote healthy love of self. 

There is so much written about narcissism that it is impossible to know all ideas on it or to discuss them on a blog such as this. But, if one has ideas for a character in a story who is any or all of the following then it may help to do a small research of the term narcissism:

Has a sense of self importance

Self righteous

Is always right

Always knows best

Brags

Conceited

Has many acquaintances but very few, if any close friends

Their way is the only way

Is an expert or oracle

Lacks true empathy

Critical of others

Controlling

Dogmatic

Creates fear in others

Creates shame in others
Has no insight into self
Ego driven (status, wealth, popularity)

It has to be said that the above type of narcissistic personality could have been developed from early narcissistic wounds. If you are developing a character like this one in a story, it might be well to note that this type of person will also have some vulnerability too. In fact one of the hardest things to capture I feel, is a a character that is both obnoxious and unlikable, as well as sad and pathetic. Can we evoke both irritation and dislike as well as empathy and sadness?

It might also be true to say that we can study our own narcissistic traits as well as our reactions to those people. Remember narcissistic people work not only with words but with body language, including eye language. Dipped eyes while you speak, for example, can be saying so much, perhaps leaving you feeling ashamed or feeble - and yet the narcissistic person has not uttered a word. Sighs, coughs and even silences in the correct places are powerful tools for them. They are ambiguous with their words so that if accused of lets say, criticism, they can not only deny it, but will accuse you of being the one with the problem. 

Facets of Self (ideas born from a character in a story I am writing)

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It’s strange how we generally define ourselves by other people’s attitudes toward us. It’s always hard to know for sure if what we portray to others is the reality of who we are. What I mean by that is this: it seems to me we have many facets to our personalities and all of them appear to be feeding off of a central, more dominant character. When placed in certain social or professional situations, we draw on parts of us to fit the occasion.

For example: A man – I’ll call him Mark, works as a news reader for a TV company. He arrives at work today feeling sad and worried. This morning his wife of 10 years told him she no longer loves him and that she is leaving him this very day. He had asked her if there was anyone else involved which she denied.

His mind is all over the place but he has a job to do and one that requires him to talk in a certain fashion and look a certain way. So he (his central self) says to himself (his other facets): “Come on Mark, pull yourself together.

Just a small note here: Most parts of this man have the name Mark; apart from Markey – this name belongs to the part he dislikes-the part  that feels a bit childish and not able to manage life. Interestingly, his overbearing, possessive father was the only person to have ever called him Markey. There is also Marko. He feels warm and snugly when called this by people close to him. Not surprisingly  his kind, supportive mother and his brother with whom he has a good and close relationship have always referred to him as Marko.

I wonder if the term “pull yourself together” said to self from self, or from someone else could mean that all people are fragmented into these many facets. Possibly, during times of stress, danger or threat, imagined or real, it seems vital we bring all parts together with a ‘united we stand – divided we fall’ type of requirement.

This would enable Mark to deliver the news, accessing his news reader facet, while uniting other parts like a strong support system so that for a short period, all parts (bar Markey) become news reader Mark. 

When Mark finishes work, he decides to go for a drink with some of his colleagues. He is still in his suit, but he has removed his TV make up, loosened his tie and scraped his hair back. He has allowed the sad and worried parts to regain their position and so as much as he tries, the social Mark is too weak to function. Calling on his central self again, he thinks: I’ll be better off at home so I can be myself.

He won’t wonder what he means by ‘myself’ – it does not occur to him that many facets of self are working all at once. Or, that sometimes one part needs more support, causing the others to imitate the needed facet (not clone or mutate).

When Mark arrives home, the house is dark and empty. When he turns on the hall light he spots an envelope with his name on it. It’s a note from his wife which confirms she has left him.

That evening, due to fatigue and upset the Markey facet breaks through. Markey feels bereft, lonely and useless and even thinks about ending it all. But then Marko (who may even be his central self) argues with those thoughts (yes the parents can still argue inside of you, even if they are no longer around) and eventually, overwhelmed, he drinks himself into a stupor, falling asleep on the sofa until morning.

When he awakes – all parts are fuzzy and hung over. He makes it to the bathroom where he vomits. He inspects his face and sunken black eyes and then has to dash to the toilet. Afterward, he showers and while in the shower, he draws up a hand mirror and checks his piles (you may laugh – but you know where I am coming from don't you?). This part is what I am going to call the concealed facet. That is, self is aware of it, but will deny this part when in the company others(apart from the doctor or nurse perhaps). Its the part only Mark is aware of.

There are so many facets to all of us, and people have differing amounts of them. It will depend on background, current status and let us remember that we invent new facets for new situations all of the time.

Its Marks day off and so he dresses in jeans and a t-shirt and arranges to go and see his supportive brother. His brother nurtures the Marko aspect of him and from this Mark feels more positive and able to cope. He realises from his conversation with his brother that he had known things were going badly but had refused to acknowledge it. He was in fact unhappy himself and it was only now that his wife had brought things to a head that he was able to think about it. 

The part of Mark that was in denial is similar to the concealed part, however it was not only concealed from others, but from Mark too. This is what we call, the unconscious – some refer to it as the sub-conscious (down under).

In psychology there is an interesting theory called the Johari Window and it is well worth a read if you are interested in how self (in this particular theory) is split into 4 windows of of consciousness with each window encompassing many aspects of self.

I wonder if you have been left wondering what happened to Mark. Perhaps I will continue this at some other point.